I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
