The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
