I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
