My cat gives me a boner
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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