Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
