somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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