just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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