Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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