you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
