When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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