Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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