So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
