So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
oh god was she eating orange peels again
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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