I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
