We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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