im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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