so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just threw up on my dentist
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
