You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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