Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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