i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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