Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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