i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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