ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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