You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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