speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
