p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
