Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
