Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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