the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
