my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
