You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
