Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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