Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
