tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
