I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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