NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
