I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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