I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
