Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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