he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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