She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
