you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
