can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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