i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
