I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
