Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
