No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
