Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
