man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
