it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
