Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
